about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
