Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
