you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
