i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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