he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
