I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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