Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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