I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
