There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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