I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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