My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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