today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
