I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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