walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I believe in your delicious
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
