I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
