Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
