I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
