I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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