I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
