Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my being single is dangerous.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
