ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
