The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
