I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
