So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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