Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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