Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
