She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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