So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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