how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
