I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
