Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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