i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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