My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
