We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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