Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
