I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
