I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
