You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
