I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
