you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
