Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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