Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
