The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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