hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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