I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You need Xanax blowdarts
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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