He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
high people should be assigned attendants
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
