Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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