Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
