so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I puked a lego.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
