Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
