Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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