She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
