Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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