Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
